The Birds and the Bees
by Misskinny
Summary: "To say Dick was worried about Bruce's reaction to his kiss-fest with Zatanna was an understatement, but he never thought he'd go THIS far." OR Bruce decides Dick's ready for the talk. Bruce's uncomfortable, Dick just wants to bury himself in a hole, and Alfred really wishes he had a camera. Crack-fic


**Title** : The Birds and the Bees

 **Summary** : "To say Dick was worried about Bruce's reaction to his kiss-fest with Zatanna was an understatement, but he never thought he'd go THIS far." OR Bruce decides Dick's ready for the talk. Bruce's uncomfortable, Dick just wants to bury himself in a hole, and Alfred really wishes he had a camera. Crack-fic

 **Author's Note** : Super short one shot for the fun of it! I was feeling super bored when I suddenly thought, "what was Bruce's reaction to Zatanna and Robin's make out session?" At first was the obvious; that he'd he furious, but then I decided to go with the fluffy cute route that makes you laugh. I mean, come on, they have to have this talk eventually, and what a perfect time to do it!

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own YJ or any of it's characters.

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It was the day after New Years, and while normally he would have been beyond excited at Zatanna's dramatic squealing of "yes!" when he'd asked her to be his girlfriend, he was, in a way, quivering in his boots.

Bruce was known for his lectures, and whether he thought he deserved them or not, the little bird always felt disappointed after them, it was sorta how it rolled in the mansion. However, he knew he wasn't just getting a lecture. Oh no, he'd broken the biggest rule in the _How to Be a Bat Starter Pack_ , he'd committed himself to a relationship. He'd taken the "being unhappy your entire life" off the checklist, and he was in for the grounding of a lifetime.

Bruce had been silent the past few days, and while he wasn't normally the chatty type, this silence was unnerving. It wasn't the comfortable silence he'd learned to get used to over the years of living as his Ward, it was awkward and weighed. Honestly, Dick was surprised he hadn't been yelled at the second he'd stepped into the Bat Cave, though maybe Bruce felt too guilty about bruising his ribs to go into a long lecture right then, especially when Dick was that exhausted.

He knew it was childish, especially for the Boy Wonder himself, to be avoiding his guardian in hopes of escaping the doomed grounding. But, he did so anyway, and it all went well. That is, for the next few hours.

You could imagine his disappointment when he was summoned to the living room before dinner.

This was it. How long was he going to be stuck in his room? A week? A month? A year? Would he be forbidden from seeing Zatanna ever again? Would he be forced to take a break from being Robin? He knew that couldn't last for too long or people would grow suspicious, but maybe Bruce could find a way around that too.

"I'm sorry ahead of time Master Richard," came a voice from behind, eyes twinkling with something mischievous, immediately alarming the Boy Wonder. "I tried to stop him."

Dick raised an eyebrow, but before he could get a word out, Bruce entered the room and sat down on the couch, avoiding eye contact and scratching the back of his neck nervously. "Well, uh, Dick. I assume you know why I called you here."

Ignoring all the signs that something was off, he sighed and nodded, settling down on the couch. "My relationship with Zatanna? Look, Bruce, I really like her, and I think if you would give this whole thing a chance-"

He held up a hand, silencing Dick efficiently before he could switch into ranting mode. "While I have to admit at first I was very.. Upset with your choice, I've found that you're grown enough to make your own decisions." He paused, eyes flickering to meet Dick's. Something wasn't right, he was hesitant and looked.. Embarrassed? "She'd a very fine young lady."

"Uh, thanks, Bruce." He asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Now, who are you really and what have you done with my mentor?"

Bruce let out an awkward chuckle, "uh, yeah, um," he looked to Alfred for help who suddenly motioned him to continue. "I've actually called you here because I think that since you've started a relationship, we need to have, um, _the talk_."

Dick's eyes widened, "you don't mean.." He trailed off as Bruce glanced back up at Alfred. To say Dick was worried about Bruce's reaction to his kiss-fest with Zatanna was an understatement, but he never thought he'd go THIS far. Abruptly, he stood up, "haha, great talk, um, I'm gonna go chill in my room and stuff, so if you need me then I'll-"

"Dick, sit down." He said, obviously suppressing a shudder. "I don't want to do this either, but since you're in a relationship now, I think it's time we had this talk. Now, uh, Alfred? Where do I start?"

Alfred put a hand over his mouth, watching Dick's reaction as his eyes looked widened and full of fear, pleading with him to not say a word. Not even the Joker could put this look into his eyes. "Start with the changes he'll be experiencing, Master Bruce."

Bruce nodded, closed his eyes for a second, then sighed. "Right, so, uh, you'll get more hair, obviously, and then you'll probably feel the need to-"

"Okay, okay, great talk. Are we done?" Dick pleaded, looking from Bruce to Alfred. "Please, I won't do anything stupid for the next month, I promise. I'll do everything, _anything_ , just please don't."

"Move on to the next thing, Master Bruce. He'll learn more about that in school."

Bruce nodded, playing with his hands. "Right, what's next? Uh- oh." His eyes shot up to Dick's and he awkwardly cleared his throat. "Right. So, um, when two people love each other very much, they feel the need to-"

"No! Please, I'll do _anything_ , just stop!" He begged, covering his ears as Bruce, in his own little world, continued to rant on. "I can't hear you. La, la, la."

Alfred smiled, it was times like this where he really wished he had a camera.

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Not very long, obviously, but still super cute! This was more of a laid back Fanfiction, so I didn't put _too_ much thought into it. I hope it came out all right.

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